Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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