You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
