You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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