nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Can I color on your dick again?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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