Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
