Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
