mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
