I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
