I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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