you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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