I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
