I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
