those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
