Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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