eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
