His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
A bitchslap is in order.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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