Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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