If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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