Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
