Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
