so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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