Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
