I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
