i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Randomize
