dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
