hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
