apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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