the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
