I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
