Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize