some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
