She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
