Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
