you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
