Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
