Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
