you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
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