I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
