I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
