she takes plan B like it's going out of style
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
