Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
