Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
