i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
