I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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