Someone shit on the floor
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
