M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
