His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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