i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
