he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm way too hungover for life right now
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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