i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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