i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
