Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
