last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
