is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i already hear my dad disowning me
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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