I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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