Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
