Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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