It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize