Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
