im drinking this country out of the recession.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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