hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
