GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
