dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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