dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
