She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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