sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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