My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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